Why 'Me Time' Is So Important To Everyone In A 'Sensational' Family

I love this picture. It was taken shortly after Jaimie's SPD diagnosis when she was about 2 1/2. This shows me 'squishing' her--something I did with her long before we knew that it was good for her body. What I love the most about it is that she's hugging me...that's how she hugged (and still does most of the time): leaning her head towards us and saying, "HUG!" Whenever I look at this picture, it warms my heart. But it also makes me a little sad too.

I see the relief in my eyes of finally understanding what had been going on inside my daughter's little body for so long but I also see other things another viewer may not: exhaustion, stress, fear, worry, anger, isolation, guilt and so many other emotions. I often shoved all of those feelings down, as I still do, because Jaimie needed me. She depended on me so much because only I understood her; only I knew what she needed and when; only I could explain to others all the why's, what's and when's; and I was the only person she trusted to do absolutely everything for her. That often happens with our 'sensational' or high needs kids, doesn't it? They entrust that one adult who 'gets' them...who knows what they need without asking. And I'm so happy to have been, and still are, that person for Jaimie. But it comes at a huge price.

In some of my posts from June, you may remember me talking about how I went out to a RAIN concert---my first outing in over three years. Before that the last time I'd gone out was when I was pregnant with Sophie (dinner with my BFF two years ago...). Prior to that, ironically, it was the last time RAIN came (about four years ago...). You can see the pattern here. I can seriously count on one hand how many 'Me Time' outings I've had--times where I wasn't bringing my children with me. It never seemed to bother me. After all, my kids need me so much and my 'Me Time' was during their naps or whatever. I got things done...I felt...okay. Then one day, I was asked a question during an interview that really slapped reality in my face: "When do you have time to yourself? What fun things do you do just for you?"

YIKES! I actually had to think of how to answer that question. I mean I preach all the time about the importance of caregivers of special needs children getting that 'Me Time'. I've even helped others get that time by taking their kids or encouraging them to go out. But I wasn't actually doing it as much as I should have for me. I feel guilty taking a 2 hour trip to the store or going to my friend's house for a glass of wine or a cup of coffee. I work and go to school at home and even moved my 'office' into the living room so I could be right here for them. And even when I do make myself go out, I worry about my kids the entire time:

What if they need me? What if Jordy can't breathe and needs to go to the hospital? What if Jaimie goes into a sensory overload 'tune out' and Steve can't bring her out of it? Did he remember to ______ for Jaimie/Xander/Jordy/Sophie? What if Xander flips right out? Will Steve know what to do? What if...?

When I went to this last RAIN concert, my BFF actually had to come over and 'kidnap' me. Seriously! We did the social stories and stuff with Jaimie and Xander so they'd be okay. But when it was time to go, Auntie Colleen said, "Okay guys. I'm going to take your Mama out now. But I'll bring her back. I promise." Then she grabbed my purse and shoved me out the door---literally. I could hear my babies screaming for me as we walked across the lawn to Colleen's car. Jaimie, got past Steve running to us, screaming the loudest of all: "Don't go, Mama! Daddy can't take care of me! He doesn't know how! Please don't go!" Steve had to run outside and football hold her back into the house. I cried.

But as we drove away from the house, the little screams getting quieter, Colleen grabbed my knee and said, "I'm proud of you. They'll be just fine. You need to have fun. Just do that, okay? Just have some fun, damn it!" And I did. Of course, Jaimie didn't sleep for a week--she kept coming into my room every few hours to make sure I was there. Xander was clingy and 'Only Mum' and Sophie needed more cuddles than usual (Jordy was okay...she's my tough girl.) But we all did it.

That's why 'Me Time' is so important. Yes, it's crucial for the primary caregiver's sanity and overall health. I'm realizing how refreshing it is having a real 'Me Time' without children, without the regular surroundings and participating in something I love and enjoy. I realize that my social skills were a bit rusty from being around my kids and their therapists. I needed more of that adult contact to just be me .... Chynna. But it's also important to my children who depend on me so much that they aren't able to function without me. What if I needed to be away for awhile and they had to stay with their Daddy for more than a few hours? Or, God Forbid, if something happened to me and I wasn't able to be depended upon anymore? Plus, Steve needs to learn how to have a better relationship with his children and they with him.

The other thing my going out will do is instill independence in my children. If Daddy or a babysitter can't do things the way they want or need it to be done, they can take the initiative to do it themselves. (Of course, Sophie still needs most things done for her...she's only 2...but it's a good time to start!)

Why am I bringing this up? Because I have a chance to see Ringo Starr LIVE! I'd have to travel to Calgary and stay overnight. That's a HUGE thing and haven't travelled since I was in my twenties (for the record, that was a long time ago. LOL!) So many things have happened since the beginning of the summer that has made me waffle back and forth about going: Xander is going to be assessed for SPD, ASD and mood disorders because things have been going downhill for him; Jaimie needs to go for another round of SI-OT and will also be assessed for ASD and mood disorders because her social issues, sleep and stuff have become a huge concern; and I found out today that my Jordy who suffers with allergies/asthma symptoms has 'weak lungs'. (In a nutshell that means that her lungs aren't all clogged up or damaged but they aren't functioning properly...they're 'weak'. She literally can't breath or it hurts her to breathe when she does the slightest activities or when it's too windy/dusty/hot outside and it explains why she's so vulnerable to every virus out there and why she gets SO sick for SO long. So now we have to do a brand new regimen to strengthen her lungs just so she can enjoy being a kid.) How could I even think about leaving my kids just to go to a concert?

Well...I've been a fan of the Beatles since I was a little girl. And I also loved the guys individual work. I lost my chance to see both John and George. I had a chance to see Paul when I was in my early 20s in Winnipeg but a few days before he was supposed to come, I had to have surgery for cancer and had to give up my tickets. I watched clips of it while I was recovering. I finally have a chance to see one of the real Beatles live and up close...my dream...and I'm worrying so much about my kids, I was thinking of handing my dream over (and my tickets) to someone else. But I've finally decided I have to do this. It will be good for all of us.

I'm going to keep telling myself that. Every little thing I do like this will make all of us so much stronger and happier. Down the road when my kids are all strong, independent and on their own, I want to look at that picture above and remember that I did my best. I want to be able to remember that not only did I take care of my beautiful gifts from God but I took care of myself. I want to see happiness in our eyes.

And there will be, thanks to 'Me Time'.

(Get ready, Ringo! I'm coming!) ;)

Thanks to Lori, Hartley, Colleen, and the rest of you for helping me to see the importance of 'Me Time'. I'm so fortunate to have you in my life.